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GAYMER GOES TO THE MOVIES

Mal
Photos courtesy of In the Words of Susy Q, Dark Comedy and Satire, and A Girl's World

'Sup, bitches?

Gaymer here with the news that'll make you want to go play with yourself. Have you heard? The iconic ladeez of Pretty in Pink, Clueless, and Mean Girls will soon be joining us in the world of tender keystrokes, exotic role play, and balls-out tussling. Of course, Molly, Alicia, and Lindsay are hardly Hollywood's first fallen fairy princesses to revisit their glory days in virtual reality, so let's take a brief look at a queeny icon who can show these ladies how it's done.

You may not believe this, but in our childhood we wanted what all little boys want: to spend our summers in the Catskills grinding with Patrick Swayze on the dance floor. And when the 20th-anniversary Dirty Dancing game was released last year, we finally got our chance. As titillated as we were by mini-games like Bellboy Bedlam and Log Balance, we were disappointed to learn that our only chance to service the help involved covering their shifts to earn "Camp Dollars." Unfortunately, that was nothing compared to the emptiness we experienced after finding ourselves forced to imagine Johnny Castle at the other end of the thick piece of wood we used those hard-earned "Camp Dollars" to mount. The dancing is far from dirty, and the most satisfying reward is found upon completing the Video Jigsaw, when you get a fleeting glimpse of the dancing queen himself addressing you in hot live-action video.

Dirtydancinggame
Courtesy of Impulse Gamer

We're happy to push buttons all day long, but movie adaptations should be about more than G-rated puzzles. Think of the opportunities—in Pretty in Pink, we could take Duckie in our arms and show him just how sweet life without a dowdy, redheaded beard of a prom date can be. In Clueless, we could remember the promise of a pre-anorexic Brittany Murphy (not to mention Paul Rudd, who really was "a total Baldwin"). And who doesn't want to travel back to the innocent school days before we all knew what LiLo's lady parts looked like? Paramount, if you're reading, sex it up! And for the rest of you, until next week . . .

XOXO,
Gaymer

Gaymer crush of the week: The things we would do to Wheelman Vin Diesel in a car.

Joystick grabber of the week: Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm. Who wouldn't pay to be stranded in the Arctic with three grizzled brothers?

Queer character of the week: Raphael from Soulcalibur. (link: ) He's bringing sexy back and he knows how to handle a sword.

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