Movies + TV

Let My People Go, or Else: Hollywood Makes Moses Its Newest Action Hero



Cecil B. DeMille may have directed a near-perfect biblical opus in 1956's The Ten Commandments, but cinephiles and religious scholars alike have been asking the same nagging question for more than 50 years: Wouldn't Moses have had more defined lats and abs? Luckily, Hollywood is giving God's messenger a much-needed steroid injection. 20th Century Fox has green-lit a retelling of the story of Moses—get this—"300 style." The goal is a "visually stunning" action flick with a Braveheart feel, and the script is being prepared by Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, a writing team that recently completed work on an adaptation of Herman Melville's Moby-Dick, in which the legendary whale has X-Men-style superpowers. Early reports indicate that this new kick-ass Moses will be brought to life through the modern-day miracle of green-screen technology, and will at least be somewhat true to previous depictions—from God to delivering the Hebrews from Egyptian enslavement to receiving stone tablets—just likely with a bit more slow-motion beheadings and disembowelings along the way. A new idea? Not quite. Think: The Bible: A Graphic Novel to save yourself a future trip to the cineplex.

Is all of this blasphemous or blasphem-awesome? A few more changes we're anticipating:

-The Ten Plagues of Egypt now include locusts, boils, and kidney punches.

-The Red Sea is parted through sheer intimidation.

-God is voiced by Stan Lee.

-Comic-Con fanboys debate which book rocks harder—Leviticus or Deuteronomy.

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