Politics

Where's Don Draper When You Need Him?

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A few days ago, Bono published an Op-Ed in the New York Times talking about "rebranding" America, a tract that suggests we extend an olive branch—in the form of strong social action—to the world to repair the country's damaged reputation. But why waste time with troublesome "diplomacy" efforts when we could literally just hand over the whole enterprise to the marketers who make our consumer products the most widely coveted in the world? Just tell those suicide bombers about all the wonderful goods and services available to those not living under crazy mullahs. After all, what would you prefer, 72 virgins in heaven or a piña colada Slurpee delivered to your door right now? Here, some slogans that might help America reach out.

America: We're not so big on virgins—but we have thousands of slutty girls streaming on live broadband at any given moment of the day.

America: Our bad on bombing your school. Have you tried our stuffed-crust pizza?

America: It's not just a rumor—our gays get to wear flip-flops in any color they want.

America: We'll send tweets supporting your uprising against tyrannous theocrats—and we promise not to de-friend you on Facebook.

America: Just because we're fat and rich doesn't mean we don't need a hug.

America: Imagine what that madrassa party mix would sound like on an iPod sound dock!

America: Have you tried the Jamba Juice in our Green Zone?

America: Valet parking, drinks featuring mini umbrellas, and ice-cold towelettes poolside are standard in every state.

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