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Terrorists: 1, Fat, Stupid Americans: 0

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It's not news that America's youth are too obese, too dumb, and too delinquent to dream big. Since kids are now developing type 2 diabetes while still in preschool and almost a third of fourth-graders can't even read, hopes of NASA, the NBA, or the presidency are likely to be dashed. But there's always the Army. Whoops, maybe not. According to the latest numbers, not only are 75 percent of 17-to-24-year-olds unfit for careers in nuclear fission, they're also unfit for military service. Either they are dropouts, are overweight, can't pass the entrance exam, or have a criminal record. 75 percent. This is the U.S. Army we're talking about—they've taken neo-Nazis and gang members, so what's a fat guy or two?. Too fat for one airplane seat or too dumb for Harvard? Fine. Too fat or dumb for Uncle Sam? That's just disgraceful. Natural selection is breathing down our necks.

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