Sex + Relationships

James Madison High School Teacher Scandal

Guest blogger Neal Pollack has been a satirist (Vanity Fair), a sexologist (, and a cultural anthropologist (McSweeney's). Here, Pollack will explore all the wild, weird, and noteworthy stories you may have missed.


Those of you who aren't serial masturbators may still be unfamiliar with the noise currently surrounding Brooklyn's James Madison High School, recently renamed "Horndog High" by the New York Daily News. Let us provide a quick summation of the Daily News story: One recent afternoon during a Glee-style talent show for some school production or other, a janitor allegedly walked in on a sexy French teacher and a sexy Spanish teacher playing doctor. The janitor then disrobed, and . . . all right, the last thing didn't happen, even allegedly. To make things even hotter, one of the teachers reportedly underwent a "punk" makeover recently, and was prone to wearing tight clothing. As David Lee Roth once intoned, "I brought my pennnnnncillllll!" Meanwhile, another teacher at that school, also hot, is being investigated, according to the Daily News, after school officials found more than 200 text messages between her and a male student. The school has been made fun of by Conan and Letterman, and is, presumably, currently having its story bid on by sleazy agents from coast to coast.

Which brings us to our real point. In southern Illinois, a 39-year-old female Boy Scout leader was recently arrested and charged with allegedly having sex with an underage male charge. Apparently, she had some knots that needed untying. BOOM! But seriously, folks, this woman is being vilified for helping a kid act out a fantasy that has dominated popular culture from Notes on a Scandal to Gossip Girl. One look at her weeping mug shot says it all: Her life is ruined. Meanwhile, though the Brooklyn high-school teachers have been placed in the provocatively named "rubber room" by school officials, let's face it, their lives are just beginning. There's always a place in New York City for good-looking, intelligent women who aren't afraid to use sex to get what they want. If you're willing, a talk-show appearance (and maybe a reality series) is waiting for you in Manhattan (or Brooklyn). In the sticks, the best you can hope for is that your neighbors won't stone you to death.

Neal Pollack

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