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Here's Why Fat Ladies are Phat

Guest blogger Neal Pollack has been a satirist (Vanity Fair), a sexologist (Nerve.com), and a cultural anthropologist (McSweeney's). Here, Pollack will explore all the wild, weird, and noteworthy stories you may have missed.

From across the pond comes this finding: Women with "pear-shaped figures" are at lower risk for heart and metabolic diseases. Scientists at Oxford University's Badonkadonk Institute (not the name on the endowment) say that as women enter middle age, they actually should store fat in their thighs, hips, and ass, because that prevents arteries from clogging.

"Women who have large thighs shouldn't be anxious about it," said Dr. Konstantinos Manolopoulos, who, we must state again, is a scientist at Oxford studying the health effects of junk in the trunk. "Their body shape is associated with health."

This explains why the women of the Pacific Islands, until the West introduced Funyuns into their diets, tended to live to their mid-hundreds. It also justifies the suspicions of a decent percentage of the male population who've long suspected that there was more to life than skinny chicks. Maybe at long last the female population will start to look, on average, like Joan Holloway from Mad Men.

"It is shape that matters and where the fat gathers," Dr. Manolopoulos said, adding that "when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung."

He likes big butts, and he's from Oxford, so he cannot lie.

Neal Pollack
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