Guest Blogger

Crimes and Miscalculations: Why Everyone Needs An Exit Strategy

Our guest blogger, humorist Neil Janowitz, takes on the best news you may have missed.



There's a reason fictional criminal masterminds like Keyser Soze or even Thomas Crown make for such compelling characters: because they're rare. Most real-life ne'er-do-wells lack the cunning or calculative abilities to stage an elaborate—or even mildly complicated—heist. Instead, they get trapped in the grocery store they're attempting to rob. So goes the story of an as-yet-unapprehended (and thus unidentified) man in Beaumont, Texas, who slunk expertly into an area Market Basket only to discover he couldn't get out. With security cameras—and, now, hordes of fans—watching, the would-be thief spent 10 minutes sprinting desperately around the store while unsuccessful hunting for an unlocked exit. It's grand fun for everyone involved, except the person involved.

According to the report, the perp appears to have gained access to the store through the roof. That means the fellow knew the roof was the only means of entrance that wouldn't trigger any alarms or require breaking anything, but—and here's where logic really tossed him under the bus—didn't think about whether that would be the case for his egress. There's a presumable degree of desperation or passion involved in any crime, and that, combined with inexperience, can result in a few excusable mistakes. But one would think that before an aspiring burglar broke into a place—and maybe this is just me—he would cover a few elementary bases. For example, making sure he'd be able to leave. The intruder also skimped on the facial-concealment front—and however much he might have wanted his identity to be protected during the crime, it's gotta be tenfold that now.

—Neil Janowitz

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