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Keeping Calm and Carrying (Concealed Weapons) On in Arizona

Our guest blogger, humorist Neil Janowitz, takes on the best news you may have missed.

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Fans of firearm legislation and fallen stars received a treat Tuesday when the Washington Post ran an Op-Ed apology by embattled Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas. The feeble mea culpa came on the heels of Arenas' indefinite suspension from the NBA for bringing guns into his team's locker room; in it, he acknowledged that he is, in theory, a role model for kids. Whether he will face the same punitive measures as former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress, who went to jail in September for bringing a concealed handgun into a Manhattan lounge, remains to be seen. In any case, the message is clear: Guns are a no-no. Thing is, our transnational communication channels must be on the fritz, 'cause Arizona lawmakers aren't hearing it.

Now that gun-hating former Arizona governor and unconstitutional Democratic she-devil Janet Napolitano has left for Homeland Security-er pastures, her successor, Republican Jan Brewer, is reading and rarin' to turn her state into a life-sized Halo arena. Among the bills currently circulating in the Arizona legislature are ones that would allow people to carry concealed weapons without a permit, authorize college faculty members to carry loaded guns, and permit firearms in parks. There's also a bill to deregulate knives, just in case any Arizonians prefer their unnecessary, potentially lethal scraps to occur at more intimate distances.

There are dissenters within the Arizona government, but they realize their efforts are futile: In many states, their own included, the Second Amendment is considered as fundamentally American as childhood obesity. So all they can do is sit back, invest in a flattering Kevlar blazer, and watch as states that prefer their citizens unperforated enforce stringent gun-control laws. Is it a coincidence that Arenas attended the University of Arizona? Probably. But either way, the kids have to learn somewhere*.

*If you're the girl in the photo that accompanies the source article, you learn about comically large personal cannons from your parents—just the way the founding fathers intended.

—Neil Janowitz

Image courtesy of Dunechaser via Flickr
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