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Lap It Up: Strippers Lie About What They'll Do For Haiti Relief

Our guest blogger, humorist Neil Janowitz, takes on the best news you may have missed.

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To the long list of charities, relief organizations, and individuals offering donations, services and advice to the people of Haiti, you can now add one more name: Marilyn's on Monroe. This past Saturday, the Toledo strip joint men's entertainment club bared its benevolent side by hosting "Lap Dances for Haiti," a promotion that involved giving the entire day's worth of $10 cover charges to nearby International Services of Hope. The event was a rousing success, raising tens of twenties of dollars.

But as with most gentlemen's-club-based charitable initiatives, there was a bit of fine print: Lap dances are illegal in Ohio. (You're really not allowed to do anything fun in that state.) So calling the event "Lap Dances for Haiti" was a bit of a fib, one that devastated those hopeful Toledo residents who had long dreamed of paying a young woman to sexually frustrate them. Though the phrase "Lap Dances for Haiti" possesses a certain poetic rhythm accuracy in spelling, the club, whose very name proves the owners have a way with wordplay, probably could have gone with a more honest slogan. For example—and I'm just riffing here—any combination of the words "naked girls" and "for Haiti."

Thing is, the event was about more than just raising money. As Marilyn's on Monroe general manager Kenny Soprano notes, the club is eager to improve its standing in the community. What better way to do so than with a fundraiser, regardless of how deceptive its name may be? Now that Marilyn's on Monroe has made strides to heal on an international level, it can't be long before the establishment is attracting the youth groups local politicians slightly-more-socially-aware-yet-still-profoundly-lonely middle-aged men they've always sought.

—Neil Janowitz

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Image courtesy of Duncan via Flickr.
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