Since she joined Twitter in 2009, Kelly Oxford, the 35-year-old hot mom-of-three, has earned over 450,000 followers (among them celebrity admirers including Roger Ebert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Diablo Cody) with her switchblade-sharp observations—"If your kids have pubic hair, you don't get to pre-board the plane." And if all the retweets from her Hollywood followers weren't enough to convince you of Oxford's comedy chops, in the past few years she's developed pilots for CBS and NBC, sold a script on spec to Warner Bros., and on April 2, she releases her memoir, Everything is Perfect When You're a Liar, in the tradition of superstar funnywoman Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling. (Sample chapter title: "An Open Letter to the Nurse Who Gave Me an Enema Bottle and Told Me to Do It Myself While I was High on Morphine.")
Below, the queen of Twitter schools us on why women love Oprah, how to make it in Hollywood, and why she still has that purse full of condoms lying around somewhere.
DETAILS: In your new memoir, Everything is Perfect When You're a Liar, you write about how badly you wanted to be famous as a teen. Have you had your "welcome to Hollywood" moment yet?
KELLY OXFORD: When I shop for events, I try to find the outfit of the girl I imagine Rihanna would hit on if she were picking up a girl that night. So I bought this dress and I went to a party at the Chateau Marmont—and Rihanna was there. I went over to her to ask if she liked my dress, and she spun me around and said, "Mmmhmm, girl, you have a nice ass." Then I blacked out.
DETAILS: You recently tweeted "Off to record my audio book. Terrified I won't be able to pronounce some of the words." How'd that go for you?
KELLY OXFORD: I didn't realize how much I slur! And I was surprised by how much work it was. It took three days of sitting there, reading out 100 pages a day and repeating every line until you got it perfect. I really had to channel my inner Oprah.
DETAILS: Okay, settle this once and for all: why are women so obsessed with Oprah?
KELLY OXFORD: She's just really good at exploiting people's problems. I would watch Oprah and be like, "Yes—yes! That is my problem!" A famous man once told me that Oprah drives him crazy because he would come home and his wife would have all these new things to complain about because she'd watch Oprah. That's why men don't like her.
DETAILS: You sold a screenplay to Warner Bros. called Son of a Bitch, about a pot-smoking party girl who tries to cling to her old life after getting knocked up. Was that your reaction to having kids?
KELLY OXFORD: I never tried to cling to the party stuff. I just don't know how these people have babies and still go out every night. How the hell did Robert Downey Jr. do heroin every day and still go to work? A round of applause for him!
DETAILS: Is it true you wrote your entire screenplay right after you got the news that a pilot you wrote for NBC wasn't picked up?
KELLY OXFORD: Yeah, I wrote it all out in a couple of weekends. Every writer hopes their pilot gets picked up—even though there's a 95 percent chance it's not going to be—and you plan for your life changing if it does. So when the pilot wasn't picked up, I used all of the energy and anticipating I'd built up in my mind for the screenplay. Because the last thing you want to do when you're writing is fucking stop.
DETAILS: What was the biggest challenge of adjusting to Hollywood?
KELLY OXFORD: When you make movies, to get something done that would take a month in a normal job takes a year and a half. There's just so much money involved and the business part of it all is so separate from the creative part. By the time you're down to the end, you won't fight back because you're so sick of waiting.
DETAILS: Do you have any aspirations to act?
KELLY OXFORD: No, but I'd do something that was appropriate to my acting level. So...I could play myself. Otherwise, I'm not good at being false. And people around here can smell that from a mile away. So whatever the paycheck is, it's not worth it.
DETAILS: You once tweeted to your almost 450,000 followers, "How do you get a red wine stain off a baby?" What's your worst mommy moment?
KELLY OXFORD: My son Henry cried from November 2003 until March 2004. I remember holding him and looking over to my husband like a zombie and saying, "I'm shocked that more people don't shake their babies."
DETAILS: Judging from your book, you spent a good chunk of your childhood in fear of sexual predators.
KELLY OXFORD: My mom was so overprotective. I knew all about kidnappers and molesters, and I could draw the female reproductive system by the time I was three years old. It wouldn't stop me from going out; I was just very protective of my junk. I was ready to run up and down the street, ring people's doorbells, and yell "Rape!" well into my twenties.
DETAILS: You also wrote a chapter about peeing your pants in a convenience store.
KELLY OXFORD: That's been a problem my whole life! I wish I could write an entire book about different incidents of me peeing my pants, but, I mean, it would grow old.
DETAILS: Have you, uh, considered seeing a specialist?
KELLY OXFORD: I probably do need to see a doctor about it. But it's humiliating! My doctor can read about it.
DETAILS: You write that you used to always carry condoms because it filled your purse with "possibility."
KELLY OXFORD: You want to be prepared! You don't want to waste 15 minutes going into a drug store while the other person changes their mind. I probably still have those exact same condoms in a purse somewhere.
DETAILS: Do you really need them now, with a husband and three kids?
KELLY OXFORD: Oh, I don't need them anymore. I can get it whenever I want it. I could be like, "Honey, come see something in the closet," and then I get it.
—Nojan Aminosharei, Details entertainment editor
Also on Details.com:
Mad Men's Matthew Weiner Discusses Season 6's Surprises and the Thrill of Shooting His First Feature Film With Owen Wilson and Zach Galifianakis
Upstream Color Filmmaker Shane Carruth on the Trials of Making an Indie
Girls' Christopher Abbott on How to Be a Leading Man, His SXSW Success, and Not Overthinking Roles