3/18/2014 Update: Lloyd's of London has pulled out—no pun intended—of its agreement to safeguard the penises of UNDZ customers. The insurer is said to have balked at a video the company created to promote the promotion. (The minute-long clip is easy enough to find, but we've decided not to embed or link to it here because of its disturbing nature. Unless you want to ruin your morning, we'd advise against searching for it.)
If you've already bought the three pairs of underwear required to get the coverage, fear not. A spokeswoman for UNDZ said the company will honor the terms of the 2,000 policies it has sold so far, and any it sells in the future.
Our original post continues below.
If you're seriously worried about the kind of horrific accident that might result in you losing your penis, there's now a relatively inexpensive way to get it insured.
Starting today, the Canadian underwear retailer UNDZ (pronounced UN-deez) is trying to generate some buzz by offering customers who buy three pairs of its shorts a $50,000 penis-protection plan backed by Lloyd's of London. This is the same firm that insured what Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth referred to as "Little Elvis" in an interview with HuffPost Live last year. It's an especially timely promotion: Just last week, a British man was left in a coma after an attacker severed his penis, and news of similarly grisly attacks breaks far more often than anyone would like to admit.
"Usually, it's for rich individuals," said a Lloyd's representative who asked to remain anonymous. "That's the genius of what happened here. It came to the main market."
Regular Joes can register for the policy online (there's a handy box that pops up on the UNDZ website that asks for all of a customer's relevant information) or ask about it in stores. The company will e-mail you a copy of the policy certificate, which has a plan number on it and everything, for free—or you can spend $2.99 to have one printed off and shipped to you.
The plan covers accidental removal—say, your hand slips while performing some regularly scheduled maintenance "down there" or an afternoon wood-chopping excursion goes horribly awry.
But here's the rub: There are exceptions for unfortunate incidents involving motorcycles, explosives, and active war zones. You're also not covered if you lose your junk in a heroic attempt to save someone else's life or while you're under the influence of anything that hasn't been prescribed by a doctor. Any intentional penile removals aren't covered, so you won't see a payout if you're planning a gender-reassignment surgery. Those exceptions, the Lloyd's staffer told us, are fairly standard.
"The one thing that we made custom with this policy is injury from a close relative, because in the United States, that was the bigger risk," the representative said. "People who've lost their penises, if you look at the stats, it's always from a conflict with a close relative. It's always been chopped off by a lover."
When asked how many people he knew who had their members accidentally lopped off by a complete stranger, the agent laughed and acknowledged it was rare.
"The important thing is, it's a real policy," the agent said. "We'll pay if something happens." (It should be mentioned here that UNDZ extended this writer a policy free of charge.)
What remains to be seen is how many guys will actually go in for the policy—and how many will fake an injury in the quest for this kind of windfall. That would be the ultimate dick move.
—Details associate online style editor Justin Fenner.
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