The RNC and the DNC (on August 28 and September 3, respectively) give our country's two great parties the hallowed right to select their presidential candidates. Except, for the last several decades this hasn't been true; they merely announce the candidates. These days, the prospective heads of state just host days-long ego trips. Consider it a senior prom with the queen nomination on lock. The balloons will be thick, the stagecraft elaborate, the speeches high-blown, and the after-parties debauched. Here, we pit party against party in several categories and declare a winner in each.