The Lab Rat: David Walters, Entertainment Editor, age 29, 185 pounds
The Cleanse: Pressed Juicery Three-Day Cleanse (pressedjuicery.com)
The Regimen: Three days of nothing but liquids, with five bottles of juice—two green juices (consisting of kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, and celery), one root juice (with beet, apple, lemon, and ginger), two detox juices (grapefruit and mint or cucumber, pineapple, coconut water, and aloe vera)—an almond milk, and chlorophyll water to sip throughout the day, as well as aloe-vera water to drink when you go to bed.
9:30 a.m.: Feel fine because I don't normally eat breakfast anyway. It's a little strange going without my morning coffee. Juice was pretty salty, tasted like a liquefied salad. Got really full halfway through it but forced myself to drink the rest. Feeling a little jolt of energy but still want coffee.
11:30 a.m.: Grapefruit and mint, which tastes much better. Not so hungry, kind of full, but head feels a little foggy, like a morning without coffee. Colleague just e-mailed me a picture of bacon—so hateful.
1:30 p.m.: Beet, apple, lemon, and ginger. I hate beets. This one is tough, made tougher by the fact that I had to drink it during a lunch meeting, where everyone else was eating sandwiches from 'wichcraft. It's taken me nearly the full two hours to drink this one. Just not going down smoothly. Hate beets. I'm also peeing all the time. Had to leave the meeting three times. Had a fantasy about a cheeseburger.
3:30 p.m.: Cucumber, pineapple, coconut water, and aloe vera. This one's not bad. But I'm tired of the physical act of drinking. Starting to think a lot about the texture of food, as opposed to taste. Would love to bite into something. Also have a dull headache, which I figure is a lack of afternoon caffeine. I have a meet and greet with an actor in a few minutes, and I'm worried I won't be able to talk.
5:30 p.m.: Actually, I waited on the fifth juice. Figured I was running out of "food" for the night and wanted to make it last. Also, this one looks really gross. So I'm just drinking chlorophyll water. Someone taped peanuts on my computer monitor. Cruel. And another colleague opened a bag of Cheetos and asked me to smell it. My stomach is growling pretty regularly and I'm light-headed. Still have a dull headache. Will probably try to knock this juice out in an hour or so.
6:44 p.m.: Kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon. I'm getting dominated by this cleanse. This one's not bad, but I would eat a mouthful of sand right now. Anything dry that requires chewing.
A friend who is having relationship drama called, so I met him for a drink. By drink, I mean he had a beer and I had a water. The cute blonde bartender made fun of me. As did the less-cute lady beside me. But, a bright side: Never been to a bar and had no alcohol before.
10 p.m.: Went home and drank the last juice: almond, which was by far the tastiest, almost like a milkshake. Almost. The downside: This juice definitely triggered the gastrointestinal distress. I'll spare you the details, but I made multiple trips to the bathroom. I got a nice dose of TV solidarity watching Modern Family. The Cameron and Mitchell story line involved them both doing a juice fast and ended with a full-fledged sobbing freak-out. I think I'll probably be there in a day or so.
8:45 a.m.: Slept well last night but woke up once to pee, which is odd for me. I woke up with no energy. Could barely get out of bed. Walked to the coffeemaker and almost cried. First juice not going down easily. In the past five minutes, I've thought about eating pancakes, waffle fries, and lasagna—at the same time. But the worst part is the complete inability to concentrate. I can't keep my mind on anything, really. Doesn't bode well for work today.
12 p.m.: Almost poured half of the first juice out, until I ran into our editor-in-chief, Dan Peres, who asked how it was going. Went straight into Juice 2 (took me two hours to drink the first one!).
2:30 p.m.: Starting to lag on the schedule. Don't feel that hungry. Just blurry. Our PR director came around with a bag of cookies. That was painful.
5 p.m.: I'm off schedule on the juices. My boss's assistant added a twisty straw to Juice 4 in the hopes I would drink it faster. Again, I find myself obsessing more over the texture of food. I'm thinking a lot about bread. I want a dinner roll. Maybe to sop up all the liquid in my stomach.
Slumped on the couch and watched back-to-back episodes of How I Met Your Mother because I was too tired to get up and find the remote. Let my fiancée taste both remaining juices. She said something about how tasty she thought they were, and I mumbled something grumpy. Then, perhaps as karmic payback, I had to run to the bathroom.
10 a.m.: I cheated this morning. I woke up and had a half-cup of coffee. Figured it was that or call in sick to work. So, right now, I feel awesome, if a little guilty. But seriously … I could have run to work. That's how energetic I feel. Just cracked my first juice, but in my head I'm like: "Fuck that, already had my coffee." There's also the feeling of anticipation that I'll be done today. A couple of random thoughts: 1. I may never eat cucumber again. 2. For drinking this much, my mouth is very filmy and dry. And there's some chalky-ness on the back of my teeth. I think my molars are dissolving. 3. My breath is bad. I was talking to my coworker Jack two days ago, and he asked to smell my breath (for some reason). He took a whiff, scrunched his face. And I said, "Beets?" to which he responded: "It's worse than that." So I have that going for me.