Q: Now that The Osbournes is long over, do you ever miss the cameras?
A: No, I don’t. There were shitloads of cameras everywhere. But I told them that I’ve got to have a safe room. I’ve got to have a room where I can go and scratch my balls or pick my nose or squeeze a zit and not be on camera.

Q: So did you actually have a safe room?
A: Yeah. When you’ve got cameras in the house, it makes you a bit paranoid. So I’m sitting there one day in my safe room, watching a military documentary. My real passion is documentaries. And this really fucking creepy feeling comes over me. So I’m looking around the room—and in the far corner I find this tiny little camera. So I said to one of the guys, “Is there a camera in this fucking room?!” And he goes, “Yeah.” I said, “Well, that’s fucking safe, isn’t it!” What am I going to do, masturbate and wear women’s fucking underclothes? If that’s what you want, I’ll do it and get it over with.

Q: Were you ever pissed off about how you were depicted on the show?
A: My son said to me one day, “Dad, let me ask you a question. Do you like people laughing with you or at you?” And I said, “You know what, Jack? As long as they’re laughing, I don’t give a fuck.” I didn’t really understand what he was saying then, but in hindsight he was sort of saying, in a nicer way, that everybody thinks you’re a fucking joke.

Q: You’ve been sober for four years now, right?
A: I guess. For a long time I was a real fucking drug addict and an alcoholic. But I very rarely went onstage loaded. At the end of a show—that’s when I’d get Vicodin’d. People still come up to me and go, “Man, I read the Mötley Crüe book—it must have been really out there to snort that thing that you did.”

Q: The line of ants?
A: Yeah, the line of ants. I have no recollection of that—it may have been in Florida. That Mötley Crüe tour, it was fucking nuts. It was absolutely out of control. But I couldn’t have kept on living that lifestyle, because I didn’t want to die. You have to get pissed off at yourself before you put your hand up for help.

Q: It got to the point where you almost strangled your wife to death back in 1989. And you say you have no recollection of this.
A: Absolutely.

Q: How did it get from that point to you being the loveable dad on the show?
A: I don’t know because I was fucked up all the time! I mean, at first I was doing okay, but then I started smoking pot and having a couple of beers, till at the end of the day I was smoking a bag of pot and drinking a case of fucking beers a day when they were filming the show. My house became a madhouse. I mean, if there is a God, he probably said, “You want crazy, I’ll give you fucking crazy.”