Q: Youíre critical of the Beatles. Do you really hate them?
A: I donít want to say I hate the Beatles. I donít own any of their records. They ruined rock and roll. They put Motown out of business. So I never bought a new record ever until punk came out. The Beatles led to the Monkees. And it was a little hard hearing Lennon sing about "no possessions" when he was living in the Dakota. I was a yippee. Hippies got on my nerves. We made fun of hippies. I didnít know it, but I was waiting for punk. And so thatís what I mean about the Beatles. I know they were amazing songwriters and all that, but I liked the Rolling Stones. I wouldíve rather been at Altamont than Woodstock.

Q: Back then you werenít very interested in school. Who lasted at NYU longer, you or Woody Allen?
A: I bet Woody went longer, because I think I was there from September to October. I only went to one class. I went to the movies on 42nd Street. It wasnít NYUís fault, I donít blame them. I was out of my mind. I never went to class. Back then I was on LSD. Speed. Diet pills. I was up a lot. I had to see four movies a day; I couldnít be going to class except to steal textbooks and then go sell them back so I had money to go to the movies.

Q: People always talk about your outlandish fascinations. Do you have any normal ones?
A: I do love The Chipmunks. Iím erotically obsessed with Alvin. I talk about that on my Christmas show, how I wanted to have sex with Alvin and the Chipmunks. And a real animator—Iím not going to tell you what period he was from—just drew one for me of Alvin jerking off. One of the best fan presents I ever got.

Q: Whatís arousing about a chipmunk?
A: Nothing! But the idea that youíre so excited that you suddenly turn into another voice by getting worked up: "Alvin. . . Alvin . . .ALVIN!!! OKAY!" Itís beyond speed. Itís like youíre at the wrong speed. Iíve always lived my life at the wrong speed, I think, so I kind of love the idea. Itís probably the only thing everybody else likes that I like.

Q: Albeit in a far different context.
A: Well, maybe people donít have the nerve to say it—that theyíre at home masturbating and looking at Alvin. Maybe Details readers may want to write in and say that they, too, are attracted to him.

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Waters in This Filthy World
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