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A crisis gnaws at the American soul—a trauma that's rarely spoken of, and that has nothing to do with any botched war or national epidemic of foreclosures.

The problem at hand—one that's been brought into stark relief by the media maelstrom surrounding the 2008 presidential candidates—is that it's been way too long since you wanted to screw the first lady.

And, for once, there are several candidates' wives we'd like to get behind. Jeri Thompson is stacked. Michelle Obama is smokin'. Elizabeth Kucinich is a stone fox. If we manage to get one of them in the White House, it won't just be good for America—for our enterprise and our standing in the world—it will be good for our libidos.

Sure, there are probably pockets of men who find Laura Bush strangely alluring—in a goody-two-shoes, chicken-potpie sort of way. But the woman in the White House ought to make the body politic swell with pride, and a brief glance at presidential history makes it clear we've been afflicted with the electoral equivalent of erectile dysfunction for decades. All you need is a list of the names (with the sole exception of Jackie) to remind you how relentlessly the American libido has been squelched: Hillary. Rosalynn. Nancy. Barbara. Betty. Pat. Lady Bird. Mamie. Bess. Eleanor.

It's time for a change. Forget MILF—what America needs is a FLILF.

Lately we've heard a lot about the wives of the presidential candidates and what they tell us about the men they're married to. Frankly, who gives a shit? The important point is: Just how cool would it be to see Jeri Thompson lean over the president's desk in the Oval Office?