Age: 30 1/8 (↑3 ¼)
You've been doing the right thing. No matter how nasty the stock market has gotten, no matter how many bailouts and bank meltdowns have given you bouts of acid reflux, you've made every move that the Oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffett, has sagely recommended. You've bought and held. You haven't liquidated your 401(k)s and 529s. You've steadfastly refused to panic. And that would earn you a nice, big gold star under normal circumstances, but there seems to be this fucking guy out there who can't stop losing his shit. Krazy Glued to CNBC and hardwired to treat every utterance from Hank Paulson as a signal flare from the end of days, he and his twitchy trader friends are hell-bent on turning your retirement savings into chicken feed. Blame it on those secretive hedge funds and sneaky short-sellers if you want, but the real power to shred your financial stability lies with this invisible army of Dow Jones sled dogs who dash off in a barking, buy-and-sell herd every time Procter & Gamble ticks down a couple of cents. The market's plummeted 700 points? Now it's back up 900? Hey, that's our bipolar buddy at work, and unless we can hook him up with some Lexapro fast, you and your tidy little index fund have no choice but to bend over and take it like a man.