Todd Palin, Alaska's "First Dude"
Track Palin, Private, United States Army (Age: 19)
Trig Palin, Unwitting Pro-Life Posterboy (Age: 7 1/2 months)
Levi Johnston, Baby Daddy (Age: 18)
Admit it: Were they not an unfortunate reality of the most recent presidential race, they might be the ultimate reality-show cast. There's Todd, the snowmobile-racing oil-field worker with a DUI charge in lieu of a college degree, whose vindictive meddling in Troopergate comes straight from The Jerry Springer Show; Track, who may or may not have been conceived out of wedlock, and who enlisted on the sixth anniversary of 9/11, giving Mom the chance to make a campaign show of sending him off to Iraq on the seventh; poor Trig, who serves double duty as pro-life billboard and helpless justification for knowing absolutely nothing about foreign policy (who's got time to read when there are so many diapers to change!); and then Levi, self-described "fuckin' redneck," who lived "to play hockey" and liked "to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin' chillin' I guess" until this whole mess with the VP candidate's daughter came about. Pretty soon, he was getting more column inches in the trash mags than Samantha Ronson. The entire world follows the U.S presidential races, and even though the Palin double-wide didn't make it all the way to the White House lawn, the damage is done. MEET THE FAMILY, read a recent headline in London's Daily Mail. With any luck, they'll fade back into Arctic obscurity. But to the rest of the world, the Palin Boys serve as stand-ins for two (or three, depending on whom you believe) generations of the American male. God help us.