Q: How are you?
A: Iím presently lying on my bed, putting my leg up. I just had a hip replacement, so Iím in the fifth week. Actually itís not so bad. Itís just this 12-inch-long spike pushed down in the middle of your femur. Itís nothing.

Q: Does this mean your body wonít let you do slapstick anymore?
A: Oh, quite the contrary. My whole right side will be doing slapstick for a while.

Q: Can you teach your children to be funny? Do they study you?
A: Thereís no question. Both. My daughters all display a sense of humor. My youngest, whoís 17, seems to be identical to the way I was in my perception of the world. I mean, I can remember the first time I called her a whore. We just laughed for half an hour. Because sheís anything but. But she gets it immediately and laughs. Iíd call her every day down at school; she might pick up and say, ďWhoretown!Ē She said something the other day like ďDad, how much should I charge?Ē

Q: Whatís it like having three girls in the house?
A: When you and I went through puberty, we got hair on our arms and went after girls for the rest of our lives. That was about as complicated as it got. But for them it is unbelievable what they go through. And difficult. And to expect Mom to do it all while you sit in a movie trailer eight hours a day, it ainít right, you know?

Q: You need to swoop in once in a while to call them whores.
A: Youíve got to go home and youíve got to abuse them. Sexually.

Q: How do you think youíre perceived in Hollywood these days?
A: If you read anything about me in the past 25 years, none of itís good, or truthful. To the point where I live in depression over the perpetuation of myth about me in book after book. Everything seems to be skewed toward He ainít funny anymore. I donít know where that came from, except perhaps that I went into a depression when I started this talk show, and didnít know what depression was. I thought it was a sense of melancholy. Itís a lot more serious than that. It wasóoh, it was a bitch. It just was hideous. But the point is, in Hollywood, youíre remembered for ďWhatís the latest you did for us?Ē If youíre not on Access Hollywood or in Entertainment Weekly or whatever, youíre not a part of it.

Q: I look at celebrity magazines and I donít understand why some of these people are famous.
A: I know, I donít get it. Possibly because I donít pay attention. Recently I saw a commercial for some film with, is it Nicole Kidman? No, noóJennifer Whatís Her Name, from Friends. And some guy. I had never seen him. I donít know who the fuck he is. He looks like some refrigerator repairman.