Eighteen years ago Rob Lowe practically sabotaged his career by filming himself having sex with a woman and a 16-year-old girl. Today a sex tape does more for your career than a good agent. Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and Paris Hilton all benefited from hitting the record button. America is still the land of opportunity, but it helps if you’ve got a huge rack. “Pam Anderson’s hot, and people wanted to see her cootch,” says Diamond. “People wanted to see her cootch getting slammed. I did. Playboy had her topless, but we wanted to see her get slammed. Paris Hilton? It was to see her bob a knob. That’s all it was. And hell, yeah, it was worth 20 bucks. I don’t know what the deal is with mine—I think it’s to see the size of the wang.”

Well, yeah, that or the fact that Diamond performs the “Dirty Sanchez,” widely regarded as one of the vilest, most rarely observed sex acts. In the realm of homemade porn, it’s like seeing Bigfoot. This sense of disbelief—Screech? A porno?—is shared by some of his costars on Saved by the Bell. “I only worked closely with Dustin in his adolescent years,” says Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle, Screech’s unrequited love interest on the show, when asked about the tape. “I hadn’t believed it was true until this moment. I’ve never seen anything in him that was perverse.”

According to Diamond, the tape was made in an attempt to win a bet with some buddies who were competing to document their most outrageous sexual exploits. “I was just doing what was necessary to get the points,” he explains. Misner is sitting next to us on the couch wrapping gifts, and it feels uncomfortable talking about the tape in front of her, but Diamond insists it’s okay. “People have made it more than it really is. They make it sound like the girl is covered in poop, but yeah”—and here, he looks sheepishly over at his girlfriend-manager-agent-publicist-bouquet buyer—“there is poop in the video.”

Diamond still doesn’t know how the tape made it into the hands of David Hans Schmidt, an agent who has peddled sleazy photos of everyone from Gennifer Flowers to Colin Farrell, but thanks to a deal Diamond brokered with porn distributor Red Light District, he’s at least making money off it (though Diamond says he doesn’t know how much).

And then there’s the matter of the “wang.” The legend of Diamond’s penis started during his June 13 appearance on Howard Stern to hawk his T-shirts; at one point, he revealed he was packing more than 10 inches. Not having seen the entire sex tape, I have to ask whether this is true. Misner momentarily stops her gift-wrapping, bulges her eyes, and smiles.

We leave Diamond’s house and, treading carefully across the icy sidewalk, go next door to deliver holiday flowers and a bottle of wine to a neighbor, Harm Modder. After chatting in the hallway of Modder’s spacious home, we head downstairs to his basement. The dimly lit rec room has been largely taken over by a meticulously trimmed Christmas village, but until recently it served as the center of operations for the Diamond empire.