We sincerely hope that your local spa doesn't host desperate eye-gouging brawls like this. Here, Mortensen's Nikolai proves he's a bad mutha by knocking the vodka out of two armed Russian mobsters in a public steam room while weaponless, barefoot, and buck-naked. Twig and berries flapping in the steam, Nikolai handles business without an assistant or even briefs.
16. Stiller and Wilson Pour On the Foundation, Zoolander (2001)
Armed with one multi-shade male-makeup kit, Ben Stiller's Derek Zoolander turns himself and model pal Hansel (Owen Wilson) into a buff black man and a chubby East Indian, respectively. What is a male-makeup moment doing on this list? Take it as an example of the transformative power of good grooming.
15. The French Resistance Escapes by a Hair, Army of Shadows (1969)
Near the start of Jean-Pierre Melville's espionage masterpiece, hero Philippe Gerbier (Lino Ventura) escapes from the Germans and gunfire by slipping into a quiet barbershop. Breathless, he goes under the straight razor of the barber, uncertain whether the barber save his skin or slit his throat. For a few heart-stopping moments, there's nary a sound, save metal scraping flesh. When the shave is finished, the sympathetic barber offers a new coat to Gerbier, who slinks back into the darkness, freshly disguised and groomed.
14. Culkin Feels the Sting of Aftershave, Home Alone (1990)
Macaulay Culkin's booby-trap artist, Kevin McCallister, caps off the first shower in which he's ever "washed every body part with actual soap" with a squirt of Right Guard and a double-cheeked splash of Brut. Ouch! The resulting scream-face reaction is, without doubt, the apex of his career. A hilarious moment, true, but if no razor has ever touched your face, aftershave shouldn't hurt . . . right?
13. Cary Grant Gets "Grand and Brown" at the Club, The Awful Truth (1937)
Jerry Warriner (Grant) knows the power of a good tan. Not only does a copper tone make a man look healthier, it can convince his wife that he's been gallivanting with the guys in Florida instead of cheating on her in mid-winter Manhattan. "I've gotta get a deep Florida tan if it takes all afternoon," he vows, stretched below an Art-Deco sun lamp, OD'ing on UV rays. Seventy-four years later, we still respect the power of a good tan, though we might use a good bronzer instead.
12. Herman's Dental Hygiene, Pee-wee's Big Adventure (1985)
In this campy classic, Paul Reubens' alter ego charts a course toward a root canal, giving his incisors a five-second sweep with an oversize toothbrush. Five seconds? He pays so little attention to his pearly whites it's a wonder he has any left. Note that four out of five dentists suggest your brush for at least two times a day with a regulation-size brush.
11. Denzel Gets Conked, Malcolm X (1992)
Here's a recipe for excruciating pain: Start with one slice of potato, add an egg and a dash of Red Devil Lye, apply to scalp, and let sit. Years before he fought The Man, Malcolm X tried to knock the natural kink out of his hair by any means necessary. Popular among African Americans in the early 20th nentury, "conking" straightened out curls and seared scalps, all in the name of looking white. Thank goodness we've developed less painful ways to tame our waves.
10. Dustin Hoffman Does a Full-Body Shave, Tootsie (1982)
Taking manscaping to the max, Hoffman's Michael Dorsey shaves his body hair and plucks his eyebrows so he can pretend to be a woman pretending to be another woman. How very meta. Unless you're a medal-winning swimmer, we don't advise going this bare and even then . . .
9. Murphy Cuts Murphy, Coming to America (1988)