DUSTIN “SCREECH“ DIAMOND
“Dude, you got some Fruit Roll-Up on your OFFICIAL PANTY INSPECTOR T-shirt. You might want to take care of that before the big D&D game tonight.“
Ever since that cruise to Cabo where you hooked up with a bank teller named Tawny, you’ve been moving more Mercury Sables than any other salesman on the lot.
At the opening ceremony for your company’s annual team-building retreat, you greeted 200 of your coworkers with a hearty “Everybody Wang Chung tonight!“
TONYA HARDING AND JEFF GILLOOLY
“Shit, yeah, I’ll put some gas in the pickup—just as soon as I’m done rilin’ up the pit bulls and feedin’ beer to the baby.“
PARIS HILTON AND RICK SALOMON
All those nights spent trolling the Standard for C-listers up for meaningless sex, and all you have to show for it are parking tickets and Red Bull-and-vodka hangovers.
GENA LEE NOLIN
Your idea of being erotic is touching your wife’s fanny during a Glenn Frey guitar solo.
KIM KARDASHIAN AND RAY J
You’ve got PS3 in your Escalade, and you keep your regular-size condoms in a Magnum box.
COLIN FARRELL AND PLAYMATE NICOLE NARAIN
You watch it wearing sunglasses. That way, none of your trader buddies know that you’re actually staring at Colin’s Lucky Charms.
PAMELA ANDERSON AND TOMMY LEE
You’re nostalgic for your hair-metal days, when the people in sex tapes actually loved each other.