Adult Entertainment Expo: January 6–9, 2011; Las Vegas

Porn stars and perverts travel from far and wide to attend the world's largest adult trade show, but the pilgrimage is well worth it if you're curious about the future of masturbation. This year, the first–ever talking sex robot made its debut at the expo, so if innovation continues, perhaps next year they'll unveil a tablet computer that you can make sweet love to while paging through dirty photos on its 9.7–inch LED–backlit multitouch screen. Attendees also have the rare opportunity to see adult–film stars up close—careful, they'll bite!—both on the trade floor hawking their DVDs and at the coinciding Oscars of porn, the Adult Video News Awards Show. It's just as long and self–congratulatory as regular entertainment awards, but when a starlet accepts the award for "Best Squirting Release" and thanks God for giving her a gift, you kind of have to agree with her.
Alibi: Consumer Electronics Show (January 6–9; Las Vegas)
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Nudes A–Poppin' Festival: July 18; Roselawn, IN

If you like naked ladies or crusty old celebrities, this fest's for you! The longest–running outdoor nude beauty pageant has multiple titles, so strippers of all classes will have a chance to be crowned. The highest honors are Miss Nude Galaxy and Miss Nude North American, which differ not by the girls' intergalactic motherlands but rather whether the nudie is a traveling exotic entertainer (Miss North American) or works in one specific club (Miss Galaxy). Other noteworthy sashes to lay betwixt their breasts are Miss Nude Go–Go, Miss Nude Rising Star, Miss Crowd Pleaser, and Miss Petite Nude Galaxy, whose boobs must be B–cup size or smaller. If nudity isn't enough of a lure, there will also be appearances by loosely defined celebrities. Famous faces of Nudes A–Poppin' have included Gilbert Gottfried, Kid Rock (duh), David Faustino (a.k.a. Bud Bundy, double duh), and Grandpa Munster himself, Al Lewis.
Alibi: Central Indiana Gunshow (July 17–18; Evansville, IN)
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Exxxotica: May 14–16; Miami

Here's how you know something's sexy: It's spelled with multiple Xs. Exxxample: Exxxotica. Held in already sexually charged Miami Beach, the three–day erotic event features porny stage shows, dildo exhibits, and seminars like "Swinging for Newbies: A Panel Discussion of Popping Your Swinger Cherry." Pheromones and vanilla musk waft through the VIP lounge as strippers dance around poles and pretend like they're listening to your sad–sack stories. The event climaxes with the Ms. Exxxotica competition, which last year included a MILF contest hosted by Amy "Long Island Lolita" Fisher. The prize involved a trip to Jamaica—and not getting shot in the face.
Alibi: The Infusion Nurses Society Annual Meeting and Industrial Exhibition (May 15–20; Fort Lauderdale, FL)
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