13. If you tag me on a Facebook group page that everyone "replies all" to for weeks, I will legit murder your parents. Same goes for group e-mails, y'all.

14. Don't take pictures of your private parts and send them around willy-nilly, because they will end up on the Internet. Unless your boobs are really fantastic or your dick looks like fantastic boobs. In that case, send them around the Internet like a goddamn congressman.

15. Think before you ask someone to join hi5 or LinkedIn or whatever the next social-networking site is that will keep us from actually living our lives. And FYI: I WILL NOT JOIN LINKEDIN. The whole thing just reeks of guys with cell-phone belt holsters.

16. Use Yelp. It's a helpful reference (not the be-all and end-all) that's pretty consistent about highlighting good restaurants reviewed by your peers. I tend to trust the reviews written by Asian women in their late twenties because I always see them taking pictures of their food, and they seem to take that shit pretty seriously. But when contributing to Yelp, keep it to a brief paragraph about whether or not you liked the food. I don't need to read about how it was your boyfriend's birthday and the waiter didn't blah blah blah. It's a restaurant review, not The Canterbury Tales.

17. Don't bother going on first dates anymore. Skip right to the second or third date. Why? Because if I have your full name, I will Google you, Facebook you, check you out on Tumblr, read your tweets, and see what your favorite YouTube videos are. The only thing you can learn about people on a first date is how good they are at pretending like they don't already know everything about you.

18. If I don't retweet you or vote for you in your quest to win the best acoustic cover of a Chris Brown song contest, it's because I don't want to do it. Continuing to ask me to retweet will only ensure that I will never do anything to help you. Repeatedly bothering me to vote for you in a contest is a surefire way to get me to vote for anyone other than you.

19. Does Digg still exist? Do I have to worry about it anymore? I never understood exactly what it did, and I'd be pleased if it just went away—unless it's super-relevant, in which case I mean the opposite.

20. Abbreviations r gr8 2 save space but use em sparingly othrwise dey just let us no dat u don no how 2 spell shit.

Nick Kroll is currently starring on The League on FX, and his one-hour stand-up special, Thank You Very Cool, will be released on DVD in September.

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