Since 2006, Guy Fieri has been America's official guide to Flavor Town—a nacho-cheese-smothered wonderland of deep-fried everything and half-baked catchphrases. "If only I could get all of Guy Fieri's favorite greasy monstrosities under one roof!" said nobody, ever. Well, spike your Day-Glo hair and put on your shades, because the Food Network star has just opened Guy's American Kitchen and Bar in Times Square. We're celebrating with a five-item virtual tasting menu of the most absurd things served there.
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American Apple Pie No. 7
No sane person would want to start this meal sober, so might we recommend a drink first? The American Apple Pie No. 7 is the cocktail a drunk sorority girl might make if a party ran out of Seagram's and 7-Up. What goes good with Jack Daniels? Um, definitely not vanilla vodka. But screw it, mix that in there and add some Frangelico (a hazelnut-flavored liqueur) for good measure. Don't forget to garnish with sour apple, because a cocktail isn't a cocktail until it tastes like a dessert from Applebee's.
This fine appetizer is basically a meat-lover's pizza—sweet Italian turkey sausage, ground beef, and pepperoni—dumped over "fried pasta chips" with a healthy dose of cheese, ricotta crema, and peppers. It's like a sad bachelor's life threw up on itself.
Tequila Turkey Fettuccine
Like a culinary secretary of state, Guy Fieri has taken it upon himself to meld the cuisines of Mexico and Italy into one tequila-based alfredo sauce. Pour that over some fettuccine, roasted turkey, peppers, garlic, and tomatoes, and you have pasta just like Mama used to make…after drinking a few too many American Apple Pie No. 7s.
Donkey Sauce. If you say that in polite society, you're likely to get slapped. But Donkey Sauce is all over this menu, smeared onto sandwiches and squirted all over burgers. Apparently it's a mix of mustard, mayo, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic—which sounds okay, we guess. Here, it's put on a beef patty with an onion ring, bourbon-brown-sugar barbecue sauce, lettuce, onion, tomato, pickles, and SMC (a totally unnecessary acronym for "super-melty cheese"—because regular melty cheese simply won't do).
Cut potatoes, salt and fry them, serve them with ketchup: That's how you make French fries if you're not Guy Fieri. A true visionary, however, would first toss them in buffalo sauce and then serve them with something called "bleu-sabi" dipping sauce, which we can only assume is a mix of blue cheese, wasabi, and the tears of Anthony Bourdain.
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—Keith Wagstaff is a writer and editor based in Brooklyn. Follow him @kwagstaff.