'Sup, bitches? Gaymer here with the news that'll make you want to go play with yourself.

Courtesy of Console Newz and Made in Brazil

'Sup, bitches?

Gaymer here with the news that'll make you want to go play with yourself. This week, much as we'd like to just party and play Street Fighter II Turbo, we must tear our bad selves away from the late-night topless wrestling matches to take a stand against Nintendo's Wii. Come on, stand up—and act up—for a man's right to high fashion, basic hairstyling, and carefully sculpted legs, even—or especially—in a gaming avatar. We thought creating a Mii to represent us in Wii's games would be like taking a newly out friend to D&G for the first time—doll that queen up like a star and then take her out for an all-night Dance Dance Revolution. We were sorely mistaken, and now we'll just come out and say it: the Mii Channel seems to hate the 'mos.

Yes, that's right—we tried our hardest, and the gayest Mii we could make was a lipstick lesbian:

Courtesy of MiiCharacters.com

We're here, we're queer, we're getting married in California, but the Mii Channel doesn't let us highlight our hair? Nintendo's programmers think we can mingle in a loose-fitting purple tunic and terribly tapered pants? We thought there would be some saving grace in the skin tone, but when we adjusted it we wound up looking like Blayne from Project Runway without any of the natural glow we've gotten sweating out our hangovers in the Fire Island sun.

As if butching us up wasn't bad enough, Nintendo had to go after our most sacred of spaces, the gym. We've spent years dedicating ourselves to the complicated etiquette surrounding ball play. But that preparation means nothing in Wii Tennis, where crisp whites are apparently as optional as clothing at a foam party. And just look at what it's done to Richard Simmons:

Courtesy of MiiCharacters.com

Well, Wii, we may not have short shorts, sleeveless shirts, or tight vests, but we'll be marching in that Mii parade wearing our permatan with pride.

Until next week . . .



Crush of the week: Steven Tyler, still showing us the meaning of "Love in an Elevator."

Joystick grabber of the week: Major League Eating: The Game. Bet you our Gucci bag we'll have more luck with the wienies than you . . .

Queer characters of the week: Volgin and Raikov from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. In a don't-ask-don't-tell world, nothing says true love like an aggressive crotch grab.

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