Hark! The herald angels sing! Or, as it were, the complete opposite. Fathead—the makers of life-size removable stickers of athletes that people hang on their kids' bedroom walls to terrify them at night—recently announced that they would be releasing talking versions of their wildly popular cutouts. Then they announced that the first personality chosen for oratorical immortalizing was overenthusiastic college basketball commentator Dick Vitale. Then they did not announce why they chose as their first speaking subject one of the last men on earth who needs to do more speaking.
Out just in time for March Madness, the Vitale Fathead—one of the Jr. models, which are less-than-life-size—can be prompted to speak by waving a pen in front of it. This is at least an upgrade over Vitale on television, where his hollerin' comes often and without warning. The $69.99 adhesive will come pre-programmed with four slogans: the near-ubiquitous "It's Awesome, Baby!" (perfect for soliciting opinions on back-to-school outfits or new Chinese character tattoos!), as well as the near-English turns "Diaper Dandy," "PTP'er" and "Dipsy-doo, Dunk-a-roo." Fathead will also a $99.99 full-size Vitale cutout that doesn't speak. You know, just in case there are any sports fans out there who prefer their giant posters of 70-year-old men to be silent.