Photograph by Michael Schmelling; Set design by Wade & Strauss
Ever wonder what drives the King of Conservatism? Us too.
1. PRESCRIPTION: The best way to rein in health-care costs is to bypass the doctor.
2. TICKET TO LADY GAGA CONCERT: "Those Log Cabin boys weren't kidding—'Poker Face' is damn good."
3. HOAGIE CRUSTS: The true voice of the GOP must beware of choking hazards.
4. SPIN CITY SEASON 1 DVD: More evidence of liberal conspiracy: using this boyish face to murder babies
5. BLUE POWDER: Possibly Viagra dust, possibly Fruity Pebbles
6. PREPARATION H: Some wounds—like the 2008 election and the buttock cyst that got him a deferment from Vietnam—never heal.
7. FREEDOM FRIES: Food for Main Street, not Wall Street
8. CIGAR ASH: The only place he likes a Cuban is in his mouth.
9. RAGE SWEAT STAINS: Don Imus just ruined another perfect morning.
10. TEN-DOLLAR BILL: Winnings from his bet with McCain that Bristol and Levi would split up
11. PACKET OF HELLMANN'S: Because the goddamn immigrants at Wendy's no comprende "Extra mayo."