Cops in Casper, Wyoming, came upon a freaky scene last week when they dropped by the home of a 32-year-old local. First of all, the floor was wet, an aquarium had been cracked open, and the man was busy tossing fish into the garbage. Secondly, an African gray parrot was dead.
His girlfriend told the police there had been an altercation. According to the story from the Casper Star-Tribune, the parrot, named Smokey Joe, bit the hand that fed him, and the owner retaliated by calling Smokey Joe a "bad soldier," hurling the bird against a wall, and stomping on its head, police say. (At which point, understandably, his girlfriend fled with their cat.) We're guessing it's not a huge leap to figure out what happened to the fish. As we mourn for Smokey Joe and his piscine comrades, we have to imagine that that feathered friend must've blurted out something that sent the birdman sailing over Lunatic Falls in a barrel—especially since he just got out of the slammer after being charged with felony steroid possession, and was probably feeling a little . . . sensitive. Some possible squawks we have imagined that might've helped transport Smokey Joe to his perch on the armrest of Jimmy Buffett's wicker throne in Parrot Heaven: