Why are boy fetuses born as girls? Why are birthrates of boys falling behind all scientific projections? Why are newborn males' genitals getting smaller and more, uh, female-like? The culprit is obvious: it's disposable diapers. And rain boots. And sunscreen. Gender-bending chemicals lurk everywhere, and according to a recent study, they're turning men into women so fast it'd scare even a Glee fan. The sex shift is taking its toll on pregnancies, and seems to explain the "lost boy" phenomenon, the inexplicable dropping birth rates of male babies. But the gender bends have started showing up in toddlers (the study looked at cute, little, defenseless—now almost genderless—2-year-olds). Among the effects: More boys playing with Barbie dolls, and more bearing a strange anatomical resemblance to Ken. And while it isn't exactly news that men are becoming more like women here at Details, we refuse to take it lying down when pollution is making our baby boys pee sitting down. Brothers, put down your copies of Middlesex, and take arms!
The environmental impact of this is epic—yes, the Y chromosome's polar ice caps are melting fast. As future generations produce less sperm and are chemically inclined toward feminized behavior, Halloween is becoming a childhood exercise in prepubescent masculine drag . With all of baby-dude-dom turning into little chickadees, the town of Trinidad, Colorado, is at risk of losing its claim as the transitioning capital of America. Worst of all, we may have to acknowledge that the Park Slop Food Coop's parsimonious eco-mom's bleach-, flour-, chemical-, and fun-free ways might actually be helping junior grow a pair (except when it comes to soy milk—it begets estrogen, which will beget you a pair of B-cups). According to London's Telegraph, there's something insidious at work: The chemicals responsible for feminizing the young babies were allowed into the EU under pressure from George W. Bush, who wanted to keep America's emasculation industry vibrant. Right: Bush is always to blame for shrinking penises—especially in Europe.